Izzy Kalman has been a school psychologist and psychotherapist since 1978, and since the 1999 Columbine shooting he has been the anti-bullying movement’s most persistent critic. In this conversation with Ryan Vet, he argues that a generation of well-intentioned zero-tolerance policies took the very responses that escalate conflict and taught them as the right thing to do, training kids toward an external locus of control, fragility, and a victim mindset that follows them into adulthood. Then he does something rare on the show: he proves his alternative live, walking Ryan through the insult game to show how the Golden Rule works not as a moral platitude but as applied psychology.
What you’ll learn
- Why the approach to bullying that took hold after Columbine backfired, and what Izzy warned from the very start.
- The difference between an internal and an external locus of control, and why it predicts a happier, more successful life.
- How good intentions and bubble-wrap parenting weakened a generation’s resilience.
- Why schools and parents playing judge tends to escalate conflict rather than resolve it.
- The science behind the Golden Rule, and why human beings are biologically wired for reciprocity.
- How to handle insults, cyberbullying, and everyday conflict without needing anyone’s help.
- What lawsuits, safe spaces, and trigger warnings reveal about a victim mindset carried into adulthood.
- Why, in Izzy’s words, the bullies aren’t them, they’re us.
Connect with Izzy Kalman
- Website: izzykalman.com
- Bullies to Buddies: bullies2buddies.com
- Psychology Today blog: Resilience to Bullying
About Ryan Vet
Ryan Vet is a USA TODAY bestselling author, futurist, and international keynote speaker whose insights on generations, culture, and the future of work have been featured in Forbes, Financial Times, ABC, NBC, and CBS. If you want deeper research on generations and the future of culture and society, join his weekly newsletter at ryanvet.com/collide.
Frequently Asked Questions
Who is Izzy Kalman?
Izzy Kalman is a school psychologist and psychotherapist who has practiced since 1978 and, since the 1999 Columbine shooting, has been one of the most persistent critics of the mainstream anti-bullying movement. He is the director of Bullies to Buddies, author of Bullies to Buddies: How to Turn Your Enemies into Friends, and writes the Psychology Today blog Resilience to Bullying.
What does Izzy Kalman say is wrong with anti-bullying programs?
He argues that having schools and authorities identify a bully, judge who is right, and punish tends to escalate conflict, and that it trains children toward an external locus of control and a victim mindset. His alternative teaches kids how not to be a victim.
What is the insult game?
It is a role-play Kalman uses to show that reciprocity, not authority, ends conflict: the target stays calm and even agreeable while being insulted, which removes the insulter's payoff and makes the insults stop.
What is locus of control?
Locus of control is whether you believe what happens to you is caused by your own actions (internal) or by outside forces (external). Kalman says an internal locus of control predicts a happier, more successful life, and that anti-bullying culture pushed kids toward the external kind.
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